I thought I would share my testimony so readers can get an idea of where I am coming from in my future posts. This is terrifying but here goes nothing….
God has always been apart of my life but, I was never fully devoted. I would pray when life got tough but, never had a true relationship with the Lord. Let me just start by saying 2 disclaimers: 1. My journey to God was over the course of about 4 years, so this will be a lengthy one and 2. when it came to relationships and friendships I never even thought to include God. In high school, I knew I wanted to save myself and only date with the intent of marriage. I found it difficult to find a guy who thought the same so, I didn’t date at all those 4 years. Towards graduation, I felt a ton of pressure from friends to lose my virginity. That sex “isn’t a big deal” or to “just get it over with.” I tried to ignore their comments but, after school ended I let the pressure get to me. I began to actively start looking for dates. So, when this cute and charming guy asked me on my first-ever date, I said yes. I did not expect this to turn into my downward spiral. Warning: things are about to get pretty personal. The date went great but, when he dropped me off he persued sex. I let it happen. I don’t know why. Initially, I was shocked, confused, and had no idea how to respond. Then, I just thought “okay maybe this isn’t a big deal, here’s my chance to get it over with.” When it was over, we said our goodbyes, I ran right into my room, and spent the entire night crying. I felt so ashamed and regretful, how could I let a guy I barely know have such a sacred piece of me? Having sex with him led me to have an emotional attachment and he still showed interest in me so I began to think maybe having sex once with him wasn’t so bad if this turns into a relationship. Fast forward, this did turn into a relationship and he wanted to have sex ALL of the time. I felt very insecure and obligated to do it because, I thought if I just keep giving him what he wants, he will never leave me. Well, I was very wrong because, after a year of this he cheated on me, repeatedly.
Fast forward again to a few months after the break up where I began dated someone else. This new guy also persued sex, immediately. You would have thought I learned my lesson from the last one but, I never connected the idea of having sex with a guy will not make him stay! So, I continued to give myself away to this new guy because, I did have feelings for him but, I felt guily every time. This relationship became very toxic. This guy had a way with words and convincing me that I needed to be with him. I don’t want to blame him for my decisions, I could have gotten out of it but, he was also very manipulating. Not only did I feel like I had to have sex with him but, he also made me feel guilty if I didn’t give him money and buy him things because, he was struggling financially. I regrettable dropped out of school and turned down a job with less hours that I really wanted so that I could work more at my current job. We had a lot of good times so, I stayed in the relationship. After a year, my family moved out of state, I wanted to go but he convinced me to stay and get an apartment with him, despite his financial struggles. He really made it seem like this would be a good thing and we would be happy. A few months after living together, the toxicity became worse. He would get extremely angry if I said no to sex. I paid for the majority of the bills but, if I didn’t give him money he would become really scary. This progressed to the point where I would come home from work, lock myself in our bedroom, and cry because I was scared to be around him. I felt trapped. This is where I found myself to really start thinking about God again. I prayed to God everyday to get me out of this situation and after a few weeks, God answered. My family announced that they were moving back home. I still felt afraid to leave him but, I continued to ask God to give me the courage to leave. Shortly after my family settled back in, I really felt like I can get out of this situation and be okay and I was.
I began to grow my relationship with God more and more but, this was the first time I was single in a long time and I felt alone. This caused me to spiral into the same bad decisions I had made in my past. I spent months online dating, going out with different guys, and even had sex with a few. I just thought to myself “one of these guys will become my boyfriend.” I was so desperate, it’s embarassing to think about. In comes the last guy I had sex with who afterward wanted nothing to do with me. Not only did I feel used and disgusting but, then I find out I am pregnant. Surprise! Part of me was not scared at all, actually relieved. My family was so excited. I felt happy because, I felt like I now have a purpose. I don’t have to keep seeking fulfillment in guys. God was telling me that I am not alone. I have the most supportive family, I will soon have a baby, and I also have the love of him. I will never be alone. I did however, feel extremely ashamed of my past. Not only will my child grow up without his father but, I was just starting to realize what I had done to myself. I put all of my dreams and morals to the side and focused only on guys. For 4 years! I began praying to God every single day and night begging for forgiveness. Slowly, I started to feel some actual peace. I realized that I confessed all of my sins and God still loves me. Things started to change for me. I deeply grew in my faith. My life started to look up. The job with less hours that I had always wanted, I finally got. Taking on this job meant that I was able to go back to school. I focused on Christ and he put me on the right path. Now I am completely devoting myself to God, as he is the only guy I need. I dedicate time to him daily and I have never felt so much joy in my life. I thank God every day for saving me.
Living Proof 